Written by CiCi Bianchini
What happens when the thing I love the most, working in the EDM industry and writing, becomes one of the main reasons that causes my anxiety/depression – and just overall mental health – to suck the joy out of life and my passion?
I took a major step back from working with Trillvo, moved back home to Orlando, and stopped “showing face” and going out every weekend. At first, it was going to be just a social media break.
When Raytrill approached me two years ago to become a writer for Trillvo, I was in the middle of a downward spiral of all kinds of messed up thoughts, anxiety, and depression. I have always known I wanted a career in music. But I wasn’t sure what I wanted to do because your girl can’t sing, play, or compose music to save her life. So writing about music was the perfect opportunity for me to merge two things I love the most into one.
It was also my escape.
In my two years with Trillvo, I’ve accomplished so much! Countless track/EP reviews, endless smiles and memories, traveling, and new connections that turned into great friends. I covered four festivals as media; Imagine Music Festival, Rare Orlando, Buku Music + Art Project, and Sunset Music Festival. I even got to interview one of my favorite djs, someone who has been silent about their anxiety and their struggle with mental health; Alison Wonderland. Along with so many talented artists; Black Tiger Sex Machine, Kevin Flum, Francis Derrel, and Loud Luxury.
My readers are probably wondering what any of this has to do with my mental health or why I took a break from the music industry altogether.
As I stated earlier, I did move back to Orlando to really focus on myself. When I came back, I started to make less appearances to shows and applying to festivals for media/press. Of course, a major reason I didn’t go out as much was because I was just tired of pretending to be happy, forcing a smile on my face and fake laughing. I had an image and reputation to keep up, the girl who was always smiling, first one on that dance floor, and a MAJOR basshead.
People would ask if I was ok; or seemed like they cared for 2.5 seconds; but at the same time I didn’t want people to know I was struggling because it made me feel weak or vulnerable if I told them of the problems and anxiety I go through. But was my image worth it anymore? Did I really have to show face at every event for me to be liked and to be successful? Or should I just ignore whats going on in my head and keep pushing since I am at the peak of my career?
I decided to take back my life.
Not worrying about my reputation, how many shows I went to, or what festival I wanted to attended gave me more time to focus on Cici; to get back to the Cici that was here when Trillvo first started. I traded nights out at the club drinking for nights in meditating. I took my health more seriously and started to ride my bike places and lost 100 pounds. I was able to reevaluate life and see things different.
Its been about 5 months since I had a really bad time with my depression. While my anxiety still likes to remind me its around, I have learned how to handle an anxiety attack correctly and most importantly…
I LEARNED TO LOVE MYSELF, ASK FOR HELP, AND IT IS OK TO BE DIFFERENT.
I felt like this break from everything has sparked my passion again. I’m ready to walk into a venue and have that overwhelming feeling of anxiety rush over me. My passion has a flame that is lit brighter than when I first started with Trillvo. I don’t care anymore if I don’t meet the expectations people have made themselves about me. Its time for Orlando to be blessed with the Cici that took over the Tampa scene and spread Trillvo around Florida.
Lately, more than ever, you see DJs tweeting about taking social media breaks for their mental health, or even stepping away. I am all here for that. I think it should be encouraged more. Look at Carnage for example. He tweeted not too long ago about how he is taking some time away to focus on his mental health. Now he is about to drop some new bangers because he took the time to really make sure he was ok and found himself again.